If you are prone to food cravings, it's probably best NOT to live in the UK. Alright, I have TRIED to be optimistic. Drinking their white tea, sourcing food flavors from the Turkish delis and restaurants, accepting that on average, everything I eat will need salt and pepper(actually chili powder I carry around in my purse). BUT enough is enough! I have finally lost it thanks to a two day bout of homesickness and rainy day #17 irritation. I decided the only thing to cheer me up would be NACHOS.
Now, please understand that I realize my geographic location is approximately 30 latitude lines North of Mexico City and about a hundred latitude lines away(no really, I checked, MC is like 99deg. W and London is .o7 or some such). But I am NOT requiring an authentic mole sauce or enchiladas in green sauce with a side of roasted-corn-husky cradled tamales, I'm talking nachos-corn chips with cheese on them and hopefully some salsa too. Well, here's how that went last night at 8:45pm:
A bus ride up and down the street quickly confirmed that I was indeed correct that the closest thing to Mexican food in Hackney, Shore ditch and Wood Green was Turkish food(don't get me started on the latitude and longitude between these countries). Turkish food, if you don't read my blog-contains lemon, tahini, pistachios, cayenne or red pepper and lamb. Mexican food is primarily based on corn tortillas, chipotle or habanero or anaheim or poblano peppers, and lime. I am aware that they both make use of tomatoes, garlic, onion and that they both serve food with rice, but the flavor profiles are NOT close enough to quell a craving.
So I turned to the supermarket.
About 23min. into the hunt: (it's hard to say because I began to black out for whole minutes due to hunger/strange grocery store/can't find what I'm looking for RAGE. After looking through TWO AISLES of crisps(read Potato chips if you are American)-including shrimp flavored, Marmite (yeast) flavored, Welsh Rarebit, Scottish Haggis and Garlic Baguette-I stormed around the corner saying OUT LOUD "fuck this fucking country and its spiceless, seasonless weird food!" (because garlic baguette and Marmite are synthetic flavors NOT actual spices). Not to my surprise the proper British took no notice of one more American having a tantrum in their grocery stores that sells vegetables shrink wrapped in plastic, and have an endless supply of candy bars that EXCLUDES the most holy of holy: Snickers.
So, my search for tortilla chips only succeeded in turning up a giant bag of "Roast Chicken and Mash(potatoes) Doritos". Next on the list was salsa. NO salsa, so enchilada sauce, no canned tomatoes and jalapenos, not even any fresh peppers or packaged chili powders I could mix with fresh tomatoes to MAKE salsa.
Onto the meat. Pre-made, prepackaged meat products including Scotch Eggs, beef stew, beef wellington, or two small packages of the fattiest grayest ground beef I have ever seen. No. Thank. You.
No beans unless you count the endless aisle of baked beans the Brits like to put on their wretched toast.
Like I said no fresh peppers, scallions, chives, etc. Oh wait!!!! A bag of 3 tiny sad onions for 4 British pounds!($5.50).
No sour cream, but I do score a lovely block of English cheddar that I can shred and melt on top of the "Steak and Ale pie" flavored air I will be making my nachos out of.
No olives or pickled jar of jalapenos
So. The moral of today's story is, unless you live next to the one organic, ethnic, large scale grocery store in London- you better not get any food cravings. And next time you are in a bad mood, be endlessly grateful you can walk to your nearest gas station and buy a bag of Tostitos and a jar of salsa.
*this is a rant. Please do not respond with comments of "when in London eat cod and chips" or tell me when you lived here 18 years ago you could find such ingredients at the Holborn Street Sainsbury's. I don't care. The craving is over(not really), and I will in fine spirits eat an under seasoned portion of meat pie. Now, where did I put my secret stash of chili powder.....
** YES. That flavor of crisps DOES say "Cajun Squirrel"
I'm sorry the petrol stations near you don't carry Tostitos and jars of salsa.
ReplyDeleteAnd I feel I should add, "YOU WANKERS!"
I guess I can celebrate certain portions of the UK culinary culture because I also have access to every other culinary culture/craving and am not limited to fried fish and potatoes or knock-off curries.